T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
how does that bad decision feel?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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