So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
