Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
