Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
