i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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