i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh god it's open bar.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
