Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
