His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
