He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
