I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
