And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
