Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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