The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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