just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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