do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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