I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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