there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
