he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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