Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
