So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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