i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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