i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
