i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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