it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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