Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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