I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize