Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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