I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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