he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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