There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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