Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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