there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
