Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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