I need help removing her.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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