So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
