____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
