every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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