I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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