So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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