Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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