I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
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