so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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