i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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