oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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