Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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