On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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