the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
