I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
