My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
