it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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