So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
