Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she told me i tasted like america
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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