I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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