Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
