I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I touched a dick in church today
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