i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
