I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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