omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
