4 words: hood of his car
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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