I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
