A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
